Hi. Remember me? I used to post pretty frequently on this blog. It’s been a while.
You might be wondering where I’ve been. Or you might not be. While I’ve been keeping up on Instagram, blogging takes significantly more time and effort to put together than a single social channel. I’ve been suffering from poor time management.
While I get an immense amount of satisfaction and fulfillment out of blogging, it’s unfairly been pushed to the back burner to facilitate another goal.
We all have that one thing that sticks with us, makes us feel uncomfortable and insecure. For some it’s a nose, or ears, or simply leaving the house without makeup on. It can stem from one inane little comment or a lifetime of teasing. It just ends up being carried with you throughout your life.
For me, that thing is my weight. I’ve never been obese, but weight has always been a huge struggle for me. I identified as the chubby girl growing up. Never really being excluded or teased for it, but never really feeling right either. It was alienating, regardless of whether I was the one making it so or not.
Lately, it has especially felt that way. Over the past year, I’ve slowly packed on an extra 30-35 pounds. Despite other’s assurances that it doesn’t show much, or how great I look, it hangs like a cloud over my head.
I mean my weight has always fluctuated, but where I was at last year was the first time I’d ever felt comfortable in my skin. It was the first time where I could try on anything and feel great about it. Where I didn’t feel like it was the first thing people noticed. So when I recently stepped on the scale and realized how far I had come from being that girl, it was hard. It was devastating.
Not just because I had let myself slide, but because I remembered how much work it was to get there in the first place, and how much more work it would be to get back there.
Which brings me to where I’ve been lately. At the gym. Some days I feel like I live there. Most days of the week I head there directly after work, and it’s often the first place I head after waking up on the weekend. I’ve been doing a good mix of core strengthening through things like pilates and aerial yoga, and complementing that with high-intensity cardio like the Couch to 5k program. It’s exhausting. I get home with every intention of writing out that cute post idea, but end up passing out and sleeping until I wake up for work in the morning. However, despite it being exhausting and occasionally feeling at a loss because you don’t see the results immediately, I feel so much better about myself. Clothes are starting to fit better again, my skin is looking better, my sleep pattern is less erratic, and I know I am making progress. I just wish there was an extra hour or two in a day for blogging.
This is probably the most personal post I’ve ever written, and I’m so anxious about it coming off the wrong way. It’s not about body shaming on any end of the spectrum, it’s about being in control of how you feel about yourself. It took me a long time to realize that my dissatisfaction with my weight was not about how others saw me, or anything they ever said; it was about how I felt about myself. Even though I have a way to go before getting back to where I want to be, the progress I have made in the past month is something I’m really proud of.
Getting back into the routine is what’s always the hardest for me. Once it’s set, it’s just a matter of sticking to it. Enter in quotes about momentum and inertia, what have you. Now that I’m in a pretty good routine, it should be easier to plan out chunks of time to dedicate to blogging. With any luck, you should be seeing more of me again. There may be a few hiccups, but the commitment and intention are there. See you for our regularly scheduled beauty and fashion content on Tuesday 🙂